Monday, August 25, 2014

The Strangest Doctor Visit Ever, Or an Alien Abduction, I'm Not Sure Which

I went to the dermatologist today to have him/her look at the brown spots on my hands and arms.  They started developing about six years ago and recently have been doing some weird changing, so I wanted to get it checked out.  I haven't been to a dermatologist before, therefore I have nothing to compare it to, so perhaps my visit was quite normal.  But to me, it was the strangest experience I've ever had in a doctors office.  Let me tell you about it...

My doctor turned out to be a female doctor, I wasn't sure because they were squeezing me in to see who ever was available.  It begins quite normally with a short Q & A with the assistant, then she has me change into a gown that is open in the back, and she tells me the doc will be with me momentarily.  The doctor walks in the room a few moments later with a headband style magnifier on her head, which makes her look like she has giant eyeballs. 

She looked like this mannequin, but her eyes were even more magnified.  (And of course she had hair.)
Image from Amazon. You can click here if you want to buy a pair, LOL.  You know, I could use a set of these things to check my chickens for mites...or maybe I can just bring them in for her to examine.
So she walks right up to me, well inside my personal bubble, and introduces herself to me, speaking so fast I almost couldn't understand her.  She asks me what brought me in today...that part I understood.  She is so close to me and those giant eyeballs are darting around looking at every centimeter of my face.  It was a little disconcerting.  I moved my head backwards in a subconscious reaction that just happens without thinking, because your brain sends the signal that someone or something is invading your personal space.  

I begin to explain that I have these brown spots that I guess are normal for folks my age, and I tell her that mine seem to be changing so it concerned me. I point out a few in different stages on my arms and the back of my hands. All the while she is examining me very closely with those magnified eyeballs.  Not just examining my arms and the back of my hands, she is looking at every part of my face, and my neck.  She is like 8 inches from my body! 

She tells me those spots are quite normal, not to worry about them. Then she starts going through my hair.  I feel like a kid in kindergarten getting checked for lice.  She opens the back of the gown and starts examining my back. She touches here or there as she closely makes her way over my entire back. The whole time she is talking about how "husbands never notice things like strange moles on our back so we should learn to use a mirror to get to know what our backs look like..." She goes on talking as she works her way around my body, examining my neck and chest.  She even reaches inside the front of my bra and examines between my breast, and underneath too!   I felt so invaded, kind of like what I imagine it would be like if I were abducted by aliens to be studied.

Image by holohololand at
Finally she is done inspecting me from this 8" distance with those freaky looking magnifying glasses she is wearing.  She says there is a mole on my back that she would like a biopsy!  I consented to the biopsy and she leaves the room while her assistant numbs up the area.  The doc comes back in the room as abruptly as the first time and goes behind me and cuts off the mole in like 3 seconds and places it in a bottle to be sent in for biopsy. She quickly tells me she wants me to do monthly exams and see her in a year for the brown spots and she will contact me in 10-14 days with the results of the biopsy and we will go from there with that one.  She is still wearing the headband magnifier, looking at me with those large cartoon eyes, yet talking seriously to me about her concern.  Then she quickly exits the room.  It was so surreal.

The assistant stops the bleeding, applies an ointment and a bandage and leaves the room for me to dress in my clothes again.  She meets me at the door a moment later and escorts me to the from desk while going over my post-biopsy instructions. 

So I went in for the brown spots on my hands and arms and leave with a biopsy pending for something on my back that I wasn't even aware of before.  So I guess I will wait for those results...and hopefully if there is an issue with the biopsy results requiring me to return her, she will take off those darn magnifiers so I can see her real eyes.

That was the most bizarre medical experience I think I've ever had.  I wish you could have seen her giant eyes probing every inch of me.  I kind of wanted to laugh out loud because it was so strange, but it just didn't seem appropriate at the time.  I've been snickering to myself about it all afternoon.

Keeper of 1 husband, 2 grandkids, 3 dogs,
3 cats, and 17 Chickens!
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